Finished Eat, Pray, Love. Don’t think I’ll pass it on before reading it again. It’s helping me, I think. The idea that the woman I want to be is pulling my current, struggling me into herself – it’s sinking in. I got this. Feeling already more centered, more balanced. Ok with whatever the future brings because I am willing myself into the future that I want. I am in control; I am making the choices in my life that will bring me happiness and contentment. I’ve already come so far on this personal journey, from that angry, fiery, anxious child to here, to now. Still working on all those things, but aware of it all, making conscious efforts to mold myself into myself, into the me I know I can be. I’m in there already, I just have to keep cultivating, nurturing the garden of thoughts in my mind, weed out the things that are holding me back.
Going to make bread with Mama Iyami today, teach her something new. Iyami is very sick these days, has a huge skin eruption on his hip and can’t wear clothes. Haven’t been hanging out there enough, but sometimes the sadness of the place gets to me. It’s already hard to stay solid here, and I have to convince myself that I’m not a bad person because of my need for some measure of self-preservation.
Made ‘hummus’ out of njugu, a squishy ground nut – so delicious, lots of garlic, some cumin, olive oil, eaten with utensils of cucumber, my last cucumber for 2 more weeks.
I can do this I can do this I can do this. So lonely. But must get ok first before meeting someone. Must get unlonely while alone in order to get unlonely w/ someone else.
While in Dodoma last time, on my way back from MSC, stopped for an espresso at Sipe and got to talking to cute German guy. He invited me on an adventure to find a winery, so we went. His motorcycle chain came off in a small village and took a while to fix, with help from local villagers and their dull Philips head screwdriver. Was too late to go to winery when all was said and done, so he drove me ‘home’ to Yue’s and asked if I’d like to get dinner later. Of course! We went for Chinese, kind of date, awkward but sweet hug at end, but he’s only here on holiday, back to Germany to be a teacher next week. When do I get a second date? A third? A relationship? I guess when the time is right, super challenging to keep that in mind and be ok w/ it. When the time is right. While I’m living in a small village in Africa w/ no money and horrid transportation – not the right time. 9 ½ more months to go… but then the question always presents itself – what then? Patience, Rachel, says my future me, it will all work out. Look where you are and what you’ve already done! How can life turn out to be anything other than amazing? You make it amazing, your efforts, your hard work have brought you here. Luck has nothing to do with it. You are the captain of this ship.
I’m finding that talking to myself like this actually helps. Thanks for the idea, Liz Gilbert.
Time to bake bread.